A note on Self-talk

How do you talk to yourself? Are you kind and fair? Are you harsh and critical? If the people that love you heard your self-talk, what would they say?

Self-talk, our internal monologue which narrates our inner experience, varies greatly from person to person. This voice can be nurturing and supportive. This voice can be vicious and destructive.  The way we talk to ourselves matters. It influences how we feel. It impacts our beliefs. It shapes our experiences. 

There is an old Cherokee legend. The legend goes that a wise man was sharing a story to a young person. The story goes like this: 

We each have two voices inside of us. We have a good wolf and a bad wolf. The two wolves are always competing for power and influence over us. The young person asks, who wins? The wise man responds, the one we feed. 

We have the power to take active control over our self-talk and decide how we want to talk to and treat ourselves. Just as we get to decide how we talk to and treat others. If we don’t make a conscious decision, with intention, that inner voice will be influenced by forces outside of our control. The voice will be influenced by experiences, caregivers, media, society etc. 

A powerful example of how self-talk can negatively impact mental health comes from a popular media personality, Dr. Peter Attia. During the course of mental health treatment, it was brought to Dr. Attia’s attention that he had very harsh and critical self-talk. Dr. Attia described the voice as a berating coach that emphasized the negative and punished him mercilessly. The therapist that helped him discover this damaging self-talk also provided him with a tool to change it. The therapist advised that every time he noticed himself engaging in this type of destructive self-talk, he was to take out his phone and record a voice memo, speaking to himself as a friend he cared for and wanted to help. This was a frequent practice in the beginning as he was talking to himself in this manner often. The process was unfamiliar and challenging in the beginning, but he was dedicated. Over time, the need to do this became less and less as he started doing it naturally. Dr. Attita shared that in the period of 3-5 months (at the age of 45!), he completely changed the words and tone he used when talking to himself. He was kind, supportive, and fair. This shift had a dramatic, positive impact on his mental health. Dr. Attita found this shocking: that he could talk to himself in one way for so many years, yet through consistent intentional effort his self-talk could be and was transformed. 

Anyone can do this. With active, intentional, efforts we can shift the voice in our head from the “bad wolf”, the “inner-critic” to the “good wolf”, the “inner-nurturer”. It takes effort and it won’t be comfortable, but it will be helpful and it will improve the quality of our lives and the lives of those around us.

This is a cost free mental health intervention that can be practiced daily. It is helpful to say the words out loud. The more we can be mindful of this, and intervene, the better our self-talk can become. Feed the good wolf.

-Robbie